Sunday, December 11
blah.
Tuesday, December 06
mother fucker. i have a mother fucking boyfriend i cant do this shit. like i did last night with the other fucking ryan. gosh. like anything i do is gonna make anything better. its not. not while i have a boyfriend at least. shoulda fuckin said no. but i do like him. im just SOOOO FUCKING CONFUSED.... UUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. i like too many fucking people. and i think i might like some more than my damn boyfriend. and i cant do that. to him. or to myself. but i dont know what else to do.. i think i like being single.... i feel like.. when im talking to him or holding hands with him or kissing him, its like cause i have to. not cause i want to. but i do want to. or i guess maybe i dont. I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT. AND I CANT STAND IT...
and i dont if im thinking like this because i just dont like him or because of "outside factors"... and damn those outside factors. one is fucking retarded. and the other i just dont know. and i cant take it. its driving me crazy. even if the answer is not what i want it to be, i need to know. i need closure. or else i will neve get over it.
and the other... is just impossible. for many reasons. but we help each other out. i like us as friends though. i wanna get closer. we get each other. and i like it.
maybe its like what i said before. maybe i should take my own fucking advice.
maybe it is what i want, and i just dont want it to be what i want. damn...